ill let it all out.

i am done pretending that im fine. when actually i am not at all or entirely fine. there's still this hurt i feel inside especially whenever i see his school name right in front of me. i try to look somewhere else ... whenever i see someone wearing his uniform... my heart beats so fast. whenever he comes online...my heart beats even harder... there's a feeling of pain..there's a feeling of confusion...sadness. everything enrolled into one. the fact that, i never did know what mistakes i did ... made it even more saddening cos if i have done something wrong, i aint given a chance to mend it.

him..is not my only problem in my mind. i have 1001 tings to think about. its just stressful...when people has expectations of you and u cant meet it. you cant be what they expect you to be. you cant be as perfect as they want you to be. i am not miss perfect. i am not some smartass girl with the genius brain. no im not. i keep wanting to impress. and somehow...tings are taking a toll on me. i wanna be the best. but its just hard to stay the best. i have millions of fear that nobody knows.

why is it that i am suddenly studying my ass off? why is it that i suddenly dont wanna be attached till the end of sec4? why is it that i get irritated easily nowadays? why is it that i feel neglected almost all the time these days?
why is it i am emotionally unstable? why is it im trying to be high all day long?

have anyone ever asked me the actual answer to those questions? what everyone does is assume.
have you ever felt soo tired having people assuming your life everytime. cos i have.
have you ever felt so tired of pretending. cos i have. have you ever felt soo tired to wake up another day knowing life would never be better. cos i have. have you ever realised that what you do doesnt seem to pay off. cos i have.

have you ever wished for a moment...for someone to just come to you and tell you everything would be fine and just stay quiet and not asked you to tell them everything. but just be there for you..hold you close to assure you everything wud be fine. cos i am yearning for that someone.

im so tired of smiling when inside im crumbling.

im so tired of laughing when inside im tearing.

im so tired talking when actually nobody understands and care.

im just tired. really tired of life.